When I was in junior high I was a really reliable babysitter.
I remember the day when I yearned to start babysitting for a particular family. It was at the start of the school year and on my way to and from school, I would walk by this house. In the front yard, there was a Japanese maple and someone told me that you could make a wish while holding one of the leaves and it would come true.
One day on my way home from school I watched one of its leaves glide down in a breeze. It was a brilliant, garnet red and I watched it flutter down to the Bermuda grass. I picked up the leaf and held it in my small, freckly, bony hands. "Lord, I wish that I might be able to make money and babysit here at this house".
I began to babysit for this family shortly after that wish-prayer was made. This writing is not so much about the family or the pets I learned from. It's a metaphorical spiritual journey using various houses. So, let me describe what my memory recalls 43 years later.
2505 was a one-level rambler that had converted the garage into a family room. When you walked in the front door immediately there was a large square closet that blocked your view of the living room. You could go right towards the halls that led to the bedrooms or left to the dining room and kitchen. I always went left when I entered this house.
The dining room had a Japanese themed, solid, and thick dining table and artwork to match. It looked expensive and I do not ever recall sitting at this table. It was very elegant. I almost always went straight to the kitchen and family room. I seemed to know this was not my place. The kitchen was small with a white round table placed near the sliding glass doors. There was green and white wallpaper that had large leaves in a seventies-style. It was bright and sunny. I learned how to make fried chicken from a frozen Banquet box with tater tots on the side and carrots with ranch dressing. There was a drawer that always had an 8-pack of Wrigley's Freedent, Doublemint, or Spearmint gum.
They also had a cabinet with Doritos, Fritos, popcorn, Chips Ahoy, and other great snacks. I learned how to make an easy banana cake and other boxed baking treats. I felt like a little mother and I loved it. It was my first taste of independence.
The family room was just beyond the kitchen. It had a shag rug in orange/brown color and I am pretty sure paneling on at least one wall with a bay window to the front yard. I usually sat in the recliner and watched the Love Boat and Fantasy Island on Saturday night. The TV was its own piece of furniture that sat on the floor. We were used to looking somewhat down to watch T.V. I can still see the large antique chastity belt that was hung above the TV. Yes, I said chastity belt. It looked like it came right out of a medieval castle. I had no idea what it was. Mrs. Z loved to collect antiques and had a knack for design. I sat in that recliner for at least 3 years staring in the direction of a chastity belt. I did this during my adolescence. Now, that is something to excavate.
Teresa of Avila says that "women are slow and in need of instruction in everything" at the beginning of her book the Interior Castle.
Don't you think that is hard to read? I do. However, I felt this way in junior high all the time. The idea of needing instruction in our own celestial building does indeed require slow and patient instruction somewhat like preschool. My sister, Kris, is a preschool teacher. Her patience and attention to building upon previous knowledge are how she is so perfect at teaching these little ones. It is the step by step basis for growth. I am using this concept of building with the houses of my youth to begin my Interior Castle journey. Kittery Lane had two houses that had an impact on me as a kid. My own house and 2505. Let's take a look at 2505.
The backyard at 2505 was my favorite place to be. The glass doors from the kitchen led to a covered patio with speakers. There was often music playing from a radio station (usually WPGC with pop music or Light Rock). We heard music like John Denver's Country Roads, Oh Mandy by Barry Manillo, or Harry Chapin's Cats in the Cradle. It felt like somehow this space was the place to be. You immediately stepped from the green and white kitchen onto outdoor grass carpeting and the plants were abundant, especially the hanging ferns in macramé holders. We all learned how to make these with Mrs. Z in the late '70s. There was a built-in pool with lounge chairs perfectly placed and big floaties to lie on. I loved spending time there. I wanted a life like this with comfort, ease, and beauty.
This house was my first comparison of what I did and did not have. I learned to desire. I wanted life to be classy and easy. I wanted the image that life was going beautifully. I wanted less suffering. I was fooled. This may have been one of the first lies I chose to accept as my truth. Beauty and comfort do not always lead to happiness.
2505 and 2516 Kittery Lane are at the center of my massive Interior Castle. There are more houses to add but these two are in the center. I am fortunate that I had more than one house to begin with. The opportunity to wander down the street and expand affected who I became. However, the delusions must be sorted out. We all have truths and delusions. We have who we are and who we were created to be, and who we wish we could be that never was intended. Both of these houses gave me truths and lies about myself which I accepted.
Delusions I accepted from 2505:
- I need to be more than what I am and I need to have an image of success and beauty at all times in order to be accepted.
- Suffering must be avoided at all times and I must hide my pain.
- People with "stuff" have a better life.
- Other people have it better than me
Truths I Learned from 2505:
- Adults are not so different from kids- they just have more to take care of
- I am a hard worker, trusting, likable and dependable
- I can talk about girlie-stuff like tampons and sex and more with an adult (which I rarely did with my own mother).
- I can learn & accept things beyond my own family
- I can earn, save and negotiate money
- Just because I come from a family that struggles does not mean that I will always struggle.
So now I am going in deeper...
This house is one of the darkest mansions of my soul because it was the beginning of a fixation on materials and an image that I believed to be important. It gave me something beyond my perception of myself to desire, however, those desires were fleeting or led to more desire. It became an obsession to continue to find the next image or the next desire. Leaving my family identity behind and choosing to become something more than "just me or where I come from" was one of the lies I accepted that kept me in darkness for quite some time. Goodness prevailed because of the divinity that has been always been present in my life. I was very much aware of God reaching out to me especially at this time of my life.
God's light and powerful reach have been obvious to me. I have had dance moves going back and forth between my own desires and what God wills for me. Teresa of Avila helps me understand the need for me to lean on my Father, the Trinity- especially the Holy Mother, and the angels and saints to fight and protect me. I believe that I have been taught how important it is to be strong and intelligent. 2505 had me question the need to rely on my "spiritual parents and siblings". The Holy Family helps me when I cannot see what they can see. Yes, I am talking about the evils which cause me to take my gaze off of God and the path He has for me. Desire became a creature that would become like a pet for me. I tended to this pet and fed it regularly. It grew. I pray that my Holy Mother and Father will continue to help me grow as the child of God I was created to become with fewer "creatures" blocking my way (creatures being the sin which binds us per St Teresa). The binding seems somehow connected to the chastity belt in a desirous-cultural way.
- chastity belt that I saw almost every Saturday night for years;
- desire to leave my own home and family;
- confusion of the "things" we could not have;
BONDAGE:
I was about 16 when I looked up at the chastity belt and imagined what that must have been like for some woman to live with that heavy contraption. The physical weight alone was enough to make me cringe, but now the thought of it as spiritual bondage has my attention. All of the lies I took on as a young woman to what beauty and success were caused much pain inward and outward. I felt for years that I was not beautiful or worthy of attention and I yearned desperately for it. And, then I learned as a young woman how to work with the boundaries and levels within my culture. I was likely more bound down at this point but did not realize it. I was in the dark wearing a heavy, cultural image belt thinking I had the answers and could play this game pretty well. St. Teresa would say, "poisonous cultural vipers" placed that heavy ugly thing around my creativity and authenticity. Cultural sin is an ugly viper. Mary reached out to me in my early twenties and I leaned into her as my life shifted back into place.
How did I get that heavy belt off? I did not. I don't think I was even aware that I was wearing it. My Mother Mary, the prayers of my mother, aunt, grandmother, father, angels, and saints interceded for me. I truly believe this. The chastity belt was first pried off in Medjugorie, Yugoslavia on a religious pilgrimage that my aunt gifted me. I love adventure and exploration and said yes to her invitation to go to a small village in Yugoslavia. My yearning for new things opened the door to a major shift in my life. I thought I was past the point of another spiritual awakening. I was wrong. All I had to do was say "help me, Mother Mary" which I did outside a small church as I watched the sunset over the mountains.
This I know for sure:
Perhaps I will find a better word. How about Coattails?One last thing...
There is a big old Japanese maple in my current front yard with garnet-colored leaves. What should I wish/pray for in 2021? 
Give me good ideas!!
Give me good ideas!!
No comments:
Post a Comment