Am I a shadchanit?

So, what is the name for a mother who finds the perfect girl for her son??
I can only imagine what some of you are thinking...  control freak, too involved, blah, blah, blah
There is a real name for this and I will know this by the end of this post.

Recently, my oldest son had his heart bruised up by a girl he adored.  We liked her.  We honestly like the girls that Andrew has chosen to date so far...  but, so far he has not met the "one".

I think adoration is very important in relationships- if, and only if, it goes both ways.
When I was in my early twenties I noticed a pattern in relationships.  After about 9 months of being committed to a fella, I would see a shift in the relationship that was connected to attention and adoration.  Whether I adored more or he adored more...  when it was not balanced, it was something to seriously look at.  This became a flag that helped me realize if someone was not the best fit for me.  I also prayed that God would lead me to marry the person that He intended for me.
One time, I saw warning flags in 9 minutes and skipped happily away from what appeared to be a dreamboat- but was likely just a Pontoon Party Cruiser.  Fun once in a while... but not for the long haul.  I am way to serious in relationships for that.

That was a big moment in my life and realized I was getting better at seeing how people fit in my life!  I was 25 years old when I finally got this lesson.

Why was it a big moment?  Well, that was the afternoon I met my husband.  I literally walked away from the pontoon boat and sat down.  I looked across the restaurant and saw a beautiful smile on this man's face.  He walked over... yada yada yada.  That was in 1990.

 I relate dating to the fitting room and shopping for clothes:

•  Some things fit great, and you take them home.  Then,  you just don't wear them.  
• Some things don't fit well but you really like it, so you buy it anyway and rarely wear it.  
• Some things fit and look good.  Then, you just stop wearing it for whatever reason. 
•  And, then there are those faded jeans that you would wear everyday if you could.   Or, that green sweater that you just won't give away because it means more than anyone knows.  So how am I going to help my son find those jeans or that green sweater?

I was at this concert- Best blue jeans song ever! Take a listen- especially to the refrain.

There is nothing like a great fitting pair of jeans.










The memory I have of the night I met Patrick ...

Saint Patrick's Day of 1990.  I went out with about 6 girls in their early twenties.  We met at my apartment on Connecticut Ave and then headed downtown to the Rally in the Alley.  It was a rainy Saturday and of course we dressed in green.  I still have the faded green sweater that caught my Patrick's eye .  Yes.  His name is Patrick and I thought it was a line that he thought would be cute to say on Saint Patrick's Day.  I thought it was a fun line- but I didn't really believe that was his real name.  Well, I was sort of right.

His first name is John and his middle name is Patrick.  He did not want to share the name John with all the other John's in his family.  There are at least 3 that I know about.  So, here is a fact check...   Yes, John is one of the most popular names paired with Slifka (I could not even pronounce Slifka when I first heard it).  statistic web site
So, my little leprechaun was telling the truth.  He still answers to Patrick.

Top 20 Last Names
paired with the first name SLIFKA

Rank	Full Name	% of pop
1	David SLIFKA	3.80%
2	John SLIFKA	3.80%
3	Michael SLIFKA	2.72%

So in my early twenties I felt that God lead me toward Patrick and also towards teaching.  I was experiencing a back-n-forth, wave-like motion with Spirituality and Materialism.  I kept asking God to keep me close; "Please help me not to wander too far".  He answered this prayer- but man are the twenties hard.  I thank God that I didn't count on my strength to stay close...  the Holy Spirit never left my side even when I didn't see her.

Back to Andrew.  I am watching the same motion in his life.  I see a pattern rolling over and over like waves, except not always peaceful.  He reminds me so much of myself at his age and I am certain that he will be fine.  But, I ask myself, "Am I allowed to get involved here"?  I know some cultures do quite well when parents get involved with choosing a spouse.  I know 2 people personally who had arranged marriages that were ideal because their parents truly knew them and knew what would be good for them.  I have been praying for Andrew's spouse since he was born.  But, now?  What are the rules in 2020 and can I help?

I have found a girl- just someone for him to date.  Then we shall see how it goes?  

Helicopter mom?  But what if I have the right one?  or what if I find someone that helps him become a better version of himself?  

I sent him some pics of her and asked him to go to Bowie with me.  Go for me.  Let's go to Annapolis and have some drinks, or head to DC and visit Danielle.  And, maybe....  meet a girl.

She is the sister of Teri's tenant in her apartment on top of the garage.  This sweet pregnant girl (the sister, not the date) is having her baby today.  The day before Andrew's birthday 7/7   Luckiest day of the year.  I kinda hope she has this baby at 12:01 so that it is a fun part of this story.  Yes, I am dreaming right now of a romantic story of how my future daughter in law was predetermined.  How fun is that?  In the 1950's Hollywood made these stories up all the time.  Now, it is kinda controlling, freaky, and weird.

But here is the thing.  I want Andrew to meet a spitfire who is crazy about Jesus.  Someone who can bring out his Joy.  Someone strong enough to lead and follow at the same time.  Someone who knows the power of prayer.  Someone I would trust to be the mother of my grandchildren and that I would love to visit.   I don't even know this girl-- but maybe??  Yeah... Yeah.., I don't know Barbara at all.  I know her brother who dated my niece years ago, I know his mom who went to our highschool and is a pillar in my hometown.  But, all I know of Barbara is that Teri says she is full of energy, a good girl who loves babies and Jesus, and likes to have fun!  I like this.  

 I am praying for this situation right now.  It cannot be about me and how I want Andrew to have a good catholic girl-- it must be guided by the Holy Spirit.  So I lift this up.  I ask to be awakened as I am needed.  Wake me up when you need my hands, words, eyes, ears, or spirituality.

So a Yenta is the name many use for matchmakers, but that may not be what I am...  I am not known for my gossiping.  Especially in regards to my children.  I am more loving, caring, and concerned to be a Yenta.  I believe the word shadchanit may be a better word for me.  

"The one thing that I noticed immediately was the use of the word 'yenta,' because yenta doesn't actually mean matchmaker. It means, like, an old woman, an old gossipy woman. A shadchan is a matchmaker."

 Shadchanit   (click here for more on this word)

I was a shadchanit for my sister when I secretly put her on Catholicmatch.com.
Oh yeah- she had no idea and what fun that was!  That is a story for another time.

January 2020
Teri and James






So  Andrew and Brian are my sons and I care deeply about who they choose to journey with.  I have prayed their entire lives for their marriages- or whatever vocation they choose.  I believe that my prayers will be answered, but I also believe that if I am needed to help, nudge, wake up, or be quiet...  I will know.

So I write this with the intention of saving it in case I am following the will of God and this story is just the start of something beautiful.
God, I trust these boys in Your Hands.